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Friday, July 07, 2006

Hammy's 2006 Season Predictions

The following post by Hamiltonvol can be discussed by clicking here.

My 2006 football season predictions:

Preseason

1. QB Jim Bob Cooter is reinstated to the team after running several dozen stadium steps.

2. Asked about redshirt freshman QB Jon Crompton, Fulmer says, "Right now he's a little light in the butt, but he's a good kid. He's gonna be just fine."

3. Asked in a followup question what being "light in the butt" has to do with quarterbacking, Fulmer says, "Look, we didn't start this gig yesterday. We've won a lot of ballgames around here, and hopefully we'll be around long enough to win a lot more."

4. Former QB Peyton Manning visits Knoxville to see mentor and friend David Cutcliffe. When asked about the QB controversy, Manning says, "Both those guys have plenty of talent, and both are hard workers. I think the fair thing to do is pick a quarterback and stick with him. Best for the team, best for the kids. I have full confidence in Coach to make the right decision, and I hope we as fans really support the starter, whoever that may be."

5. The next day, an article appears complaining about Peyton Manning's comments, saying they show that he supports Ainge over Crompton.

vs. California

6. Pregame controversy abounds. Cutcliffe wants to base his offense on how many points the defense can hold Cal to, and Chavis wants to base his defense on how many points the offense can score. Fulmer reiterates, "We didn't start this job last week. Coach Cut is a little light in the butt compared to when he was here before, but he's working like heck to make this offense run right."

7. More controversy. WR coach Trooper Taylor announces that the starters for the Cal game will be Austin Rogers, Lucas Taylor, and Josh Briscoe. Asked about this, Fulmer says, "Troop may have jumped the gun a little. Meachem, Swain, and Smith will be starting."

8. Asked for clarification, Taylor says that both his comments and Fulmer's are 100% true.

9. During the 3rd quarter of the Cal game, Dan Brooks, Kurt Roper, and two graduate assistants are caught on camera having a heated argument on the sideline. It later comes out that they disagree on 3rd and long statistics.

10. TN loses when Cal completes an 80-yard touchdown pass on 3rd and 19.

vs. Air Force

11. Game-winning TD catch is made by former basketball player Stanley Asumnu. Asked about it after the game, Asumnu says, "Man, basketball practice under Coach Pearl is WAY harder than football practice."

12. An article appears saying that Manning did not throw with QB Crompton during his previous visit. Internet rumors have it that Manning didn't throw at ALL during his visit; that, in fact, his arm was broken. The author of the article is unavailable for comment.

vs. Florida

13. Kentucky QB coach Randy Sanders is kind enough to visit Knoxville and give a pregame pep talk to the team. He tells the team, "It's kind of like golf: when you're on the driving range, don't swing like your on the course; when you're on the course, don't swing like you're on the driving range." Asked to explain these comments, Sanders says, "It's a lot like umpiring baseball, really: you get paid to call 'strikes' and 'outs,' not 'balls' and 'safes.'"

14. Tennessee's defense and running game are solid in an upset of Florida. RB Foster racks up 168 yards rushing. Asked about his game, a surprised Foster says, "Those wide receivers were blocking for me downfield! I think it may be a new scheme Coach Cut put in this year."

15. Basketball coach Bruce Pearl and former basketball coach Buzz Peterson are seen in the stands selling popcorn. Pearl is wearing a very dark suit. Nearby fans comment that it seems wet, but it is impossible to tell on camera. Pearl sells more popcorn than Peterson.

vs. Marshall

16. TN wins.

17. QB Jim Bob Cooter is re-dismissed from the team for firing a gun into the air during a physics project.

at Memphis

18. Tennessee wins 10-7. Nine different wide receivers see action. Asked about the rather crowded rotation, former basketball player Stanley Asumnu says, "Seriously, Coach Pearl intimidates me a little. I was scared when he ripped off his shirt after the Florida game."

19. Tennessee's linebacking corps, having had four very successful games, comes up with a new motto in honor of former linebackers: "Supporting the act of stealing from the fortunate." WR Coach Trooper Taylor, always the pithy one, suggests they shorten the motto to "Rooting for looting."

at Georgia

20. Tennessee loses a heartbreaker. Former basketball player Stanley Asumnu drops what would have been a drive-extending first down. Asked about the play, Asumnu says, "I think, probably, that Coach Pearl could eat Coach Fulmer. He wouldn't gain a pound either--he's just like that, you know?"

vs. Alabama

21. On Monday of game week, a Birmingham newspaper reports that former Tennessee QB Peyton Manning is being sued by the Crompton family. Apparently, during one of Manning's visits to Knoxville he mooned Jon Crompton.

22. Due to the Manning Mooning lawsuit, Fulmer declines to coach the Alabama game, claiming that if he sets foot in the state of Alabama he will be served with a subpoena. When reminded that the game is in Knoxville, Fulmer quips, "I didn't start coaching five minutes ago. We've won a lot of games around here. For the safety of my players and my family, this is what needs to be done. David will be fine."

23. Tennessee loses another heartbreaker when (a) the defense fails to hold Alabama to fewer points than the offense scores, and (b) the offense fails to score more points than the defense holds Alabama to. HamiltonVol goes mildly insane trying to compose that sentence without ending it with a preposition, which is something up with which he will not put.

at SC

24. Asked about the Tennessee rivalry, SC coach Steve Spurrier says, "I hear Tennessee has 'em a new playcaller over there in Knoxville. Also heard that they're gonna try a new formation, with two quarterbacks in the backfield and no running backs."

25. Asked about the home field advantage at South Carolina, commentator and former SC coach Lou Holtz says, "Well, we had a tough time beating Tennessee at home, but that's because we had to play the Vols. If we had gotten to play William and Mary, we would have had a lot more home success!"

26. Asked about the OC battle between Cutcliffe and Spurrier, former TN OC Randy Sanders quips, "It's kind of like drawing an analogy: it sounds good, but sometimes it just doesn't quite fit."

27. After leading 12-3 at halftime, TN loses as SC racks up 312 yards passing in the second half. Asked about the collapse, Dan Brooks says, "My graduate assistants ran some numbers on that second half, and 312 passing yards is not far from what the competition is giving up in the second half. I think we're gonna be okay."

vs. LSU

28. TN basketball coach Bruce Pearl agrees to give a pep talk before the game. The talk is televised by three networks. The next day 591 students and 58 non-students attempt to walk on to the football team, and 5 recruits commit.

29. Stanley Asumnu quits.

30. Tennessee wins in overtime. QBs Ainge, Crompton, and Hardegree, former QBs Manning and Cooter, and QB coach David Cutcliffe all publicly and coldly refuse to speak to or look at coach Fulmer after the game. The incident is televised. The next day all parties act as though nothing happened. There is a group photo-shoot. Former Volunteer QB and QB coach Randy Sanders takes the picture.

at Arkansas

31. Washington Redskins linebacker and former Vol Kevin Simon is traded to the New Orleans Saints.

32. Tennessee beats Arkansas like a drum. Fulmer: "We're tickled to death with what these guys have accomplished in a tough year. We think we can build off of this offensive effort. Vandy is no slouch, and it'll take a good game to beat them."

at Vandy

33. Tennessee wins by about 30. Fulmer: "I love the way these guys are finishing this year. David's schemes are starting to really work now, and you can just see these quarterbacks growing up. Vandy and Arkansas have some of the best defenses we've faced this year. I'm excited about next season."

34. High school standouts Jimmy and Joe commit to Tennessee.

vs. Kentucky

35. Tennessee stomps Kentucky like a fat cockroach. Hope springs anew among Tennessee fans. Fulmer's contract is extended.

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